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September 21, 2013
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He said "Daddy, you're the best."
He said "Son, I love you."
He said "Mommy, hold me close to your chest."
She said "Come here, Baby."
He said "Sister, Why are you so mean?"
She said "Because you don't know what it's like to be me."

And every Christmas, he'd get what he wanted due to his father  always at work
Every Spring, he'd play in the sun even if it was just him alone
Every summer,  he said he wanted a brother, and mommy said no
Every fall, he said loved going to school

He just wanted to have fun
He was only five and never understood what the world was about
He just wished to be happy forever

He said "Daddy, why are you so mean?"
He said "Because, you wouldn't understand."
He said "Mommy, when will my brother be born?
She said "Soon. Come feel him with your hand."
He said "Sister, Why don't you love me?"
She said "Just leave me alone, I just want to be free."

And Every Christmas, he'd get clothes for presents because Daddy got fired
Every spring, he'd play outside by himself until he got tired
Every summer, he said he couldn't wait to have a brother
Every fall, he hated  school because he'd get called fat by every kid, one after another

He never wanted to grow up, he knew it would hurt
He just wished to be loved but he felt less than dirt
He was only 10 but he knew what the world is about

He said "Father, it hurts me when you drink."
He said "It's only a couple beers."
He said "Mommy, what happened to my brother?"
She said "You killed him, that's why he's not here."
He said "Sister, now I understand."
She said "I'm so sorry, it only gets worse."

And every Christmas, he'd spend it alone and thought nobody loved him anymore
Every spring, he'd stay inside and wonder why he's alive
Every summer, he'd cry because he just wanted someone to hold 
Every fall, he'd wear long sleeves to school to hide marks he did with sharp tools

He just wanted a happy ending
He never wanted to know what the world was about
He is only 15 and he doesn't wish anymore

His father now drowns his problems in alcohol
His Mother is always at work and is never home
His sister is all grown up and is starting a life of her own

He spends every night all alone
He cries and hurts himself because no one gives a fuck anymore
This little boy grew up, he understand what the world is about
-Based On A True Story-




This is probably my favorite out of all my poems that I have ever written. I'm not satisfied with it YET though. I'm gonna keep making adjustments unless I can fall in love with it even more. 
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:iconfernknits:
fernknits Featured By Owner Oct 30, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Hi.  I'm *fernknits from %PoeticalCondition with the critique you requested.

The topic you've chosen for this poem is a difficult one.  It's a very sad story, and one that needs to be told -- but similar stories have been told many times before, so it's important that you find a unique way to tell it.

One way would be to show more than you tell.  I think the "He said/she said" sections are interesting and important to your poem because they show how the characters interact.  In the alternating stanzas, however, you use a lot of exposition.  Rather than saying "he'd get clothes for presents because Daddy got fired," could you find a way to make the image of the boy opening presents of clothes on Christmas morning visible to the reader -- as well as the father looking, perhaps, depressed and haggard because he's frustrated with looking for work?  That's just one example.

I'm not sure that centering the lines works well here.  I am finding it difficult to read; each line doesn't attract my eye as it would if the lines were left-justified, as with prose (and most poetry.)  Since the lines being centered doesn't seem to have much purpose, I would recommend changing it.

Likewise with your rhyme scheme.  I'm not sure why it's so on-again-off-again; it doesn't add much to the poem.  If you want to rhyme certain sections, like the "question" stanzas, I think you might want to set them apart and not rhyme at all in the other sections.  Again, that's just one idea.

I do like the structure of your poem in general, how you have repeating "question" stanzas and "season"  and "he just wanted" stanzas, alternating.  I think that free verse needs to have some kind of structure in order to be cohesive and coherent.  Well done on that!  I would work on preserving that structure through to the end of the poem, for continuity's sake.  The last three stanzas don't quite fit with the rest of the poem; the last two seem kind of extraneous, and you really want to pack a punch at the end.

I hope this is helpful.  If you have any questions or concerns don't hesitate to contact me.
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:iconbarryfrommars:
BarryFromMars Featured By Owner Sep 23, 2013  Student Traditional Artist
Once you've been given love you can build on it and not treat others in a horrible way that you were treated. Some things might get pretty low but you don't need to become them, You can choose to not become horrible if it's been given to you as an option.

And yeah, People might be tempted to wipe their feet on any thing or any person with "Welcome" Written on it (Thanks, Andy Partridge, For that thought) but not all will do it. And if they do, "Repaying evil for evil" has never helped me live and I advise people to not "Repay evil for evil" as it has caused a great deal of suffering for those who try to make people "Take their own medicine".
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:icondarkiusheavenstein:
DarkiusHeavenstein Featured By Owner Sep 23, 2013
I just couldn't stop reading. I have goosebumps all over my skin. This is really incredible well written
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:iconsoragaki:
soragaki Featured By Owner Sep 22, 2013  Student Digital Artist
Sad story.
Poor kid.
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:iconlittleblueraccoon:
littleblueraccoon Featured By Owner Sep 22, 2013  Student Writer
this reminds me of the poem from the perks of being a wallflower 
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:iconkyotophoenix:
KyotoPhoenix Featured By Owner Sep 22, 2013
poor guy. This was really beautiful none the less.
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:icontruthdawnsinfire:
TruthDawnsinFire Featured By Owner Sep 21, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
I give a fuck...
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:iconjessica499499:
jessica499499 Featured By Owner Sep 21, 2013
This made me feel so much.
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:iconmyalove16:
MyaLove16 Featured By Owner Sep 21, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
This made me cry so hard...
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:iconkikumizu:
KikuMizu Featured By Owner Sep 21, 2013
Poor boy. I knew alcohol would come in when he asked his father why he was being mean but ugh, I wish it hadn't happened. And who would tell their son they killed their sibling?
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